cornergasfandomcom-20200213-history
Pilates Twist/Transcript
Wanda Dollard: Hey, Brent. You look good. Did you lose weight? Brent Leroy: No. Wanda: Ah, I know what it is. Nice shirt. Brent: Well, thank you. But it's really no surprise. I have a way with shirts. Wanda: A way with shirts? Brent: Yeah. Great shirts just come to me, like this one. I was just walking past the store and there it was, in the bargain bin. Wanda: Good for you, Gandalf. Brent: I have shirt powers. I mean look at this thing. It's got style combined with comfort, Stylumfort. I might make this my new work shirt. Wanda: Look, I was just buttering you up so I could leave work early. The shirt's fine, but not as good as I built it up to be when I said "nice shirt." Brent: Oh. Wanda: I mean "nice shirt" is just something you say. It doesn't mean anything. It's like "pardon me" or "have a nice day" or "you look good, Brent." Brent: Fine. But know this. I do have shirt powers. Nobody else could look at this shirt and recognize its greatness. That's my gift. Hank Yarbo: Hey, guys. Look what I just bought. Brent: Nice shirt. Emma Leroy: I can't believe Sparky Tuxford is dead. Oscar Leroy: I thought he died years ago. Emma: No, no, that was his brother, Slim. Oscar: Who's the other brother, with the big teeth? Emma: Clark. He's back there eating cake. Oscar: He's Sparky. That's Clark. Emma: No, Clark's way taller than that. Oscar: Well, one of 'em's dead anyway. What a cheap looking coffin. Emma: Oscar. Oscar: I can't help it. When I see a cheap looking coffin takes me right out of the funeral. Emma: Not so loud. Oscar: Is that laminate? Cover me. I'm going in for a closer look. Emma: God, Oscar. People are gonna think you're stealing his necktie. Oscar: I told you, that was a misunderstanding. Oh, I thought so. These finishing nails haven't even been countersunk. You got ripped off, buddy. Buncha crooks. Emma: Oscar, it's fine. Oscar: Maybe it looks fine to you, but the craftsman's eye knows better. Emma: Craftsman. You can't even build a birdhouse without it falling apart. Oscar: That wasn't my fault. Damn birds were horsing around in there. My house, my rules. Just come in an eat! No flyin' around! Emma: Okay, people are looking at us now. Hank: Look, Brent, we can't both own the same shirt. I mean, we're gonna show up wearing the same shirt and and people are gonna think we're on some kinda team. Brent: What kinda team wears plaid shirts? Not even the C.F.L. is that broke. Hank: Hey, you know how I feel about C.F.L. jokes. Brent: Sorry. Hank: Anyway, I'm serious. This whole thing with the shirt, I mean...this whole shirt thing, I mean, this could ruin our friendship. Brent: No, it won't. Remember that cult? Everybody wore the exact same shoes and sweats. Hank: Yeah, they committed mass suicide. Brent: Yeah, but they got along great. Hank: I don't know. Brent: It's not like we're covered in sequins. It's a plaid shirt. Nobody's gonna even notice. Lacey Burrows: Hi, guys. Oh, wow, those are some nice shirts. What, are ya, on a team? Hank: I gotta go. Brent: See ya at practice. Hank: We're not on a team! Lacey: What's his story? Brent: Ah, shirt troubles. Lacey: Oh, fine, don't tell me. Brent: I'm serious, shirt troubles. Lacey: Well, I'm serious. Don't tell me. Brent: You're miss grumpypants. Lacey: Oh, I'm sorry. I've just been feeling a little oogey the last couple weeks. Brent: Oogey or logey? Lacey: Well, it started out logey and led to oogey. Brent: Logey can do that. Lacey: You know, I think I know what it is, too. When I moved from Toronto, I stopped taking Pilates. I've been thinking about starting a class here. Brent: Well, why don't ya? Lacey: I don't know. I'm not very good at public speaking. Brent: Well, don't let that be an obstacle. Mrs. Tadmore teaches a class here in town and she's not exactly mesmerizing. That woman actually manages to make pottery boring, pottery! Lacey: Well, it's not that I'm a you know, I just get really nervous talking to large groups. Brent: Take a chance. You know? You can't always play it safe. No fear, that's what I say. You know where I read that? Lacey: Where? Brent: The t-shirt of a kid working at the co-op. He didn't let fear stand in his way. He stood there bravely baggin' onions. Lacey: Oh, gosh. Okay. Okay. If I start a Pilates class, will you join? Brent: That depends. Lacey: On what? Brent: On what is Pilates. Lacey: Pilates is a method of unifying your mind and body... Brent: You lost me. Lacey: Oh, come on, Brent. Don't you want to unify your mind and body? Brent: No. I'm not gonna put all my eggs in one basket. Oscar: You know, you don't give me enough credit. I got a way with tools. Emma: So do I. I married one. Oscar: What are ya talkin' about? Emma: You've been working on the same bookshelf for 13 years. Oscar: You want it done fast or done right? Emma: I don't want it at all. Oscar: I'll tell you what. If I die... Emma: What do you mean "if"? Oscar: I don't want you payin' $3,000 for a shoddy coffin. I'll build my own first. What's so funny? Give me one reason why I can't build my own coffin? Emma: Okay. Oscar: I said one reason. Wanda: Pilates? What's that about? Lacey: It's a way to stay in shape. But it can be tricky. I took a class in Toronto, so I thought I'd show people here. Want to join? Wanda: No, thank you. Lacey: That's not oogey or logey, that's just grumpy. What about you, Oscar, you interested in Pilates? Oscar: Baked or roasted? Lacey: Ah, forget it. What are you readin'? Oscar: Coffin plans. Lacey: Coffee plants? Oscar: I'm building my own coffin. I was gonna go with the "Foreverest", but this isn't the kinda thing where you wanna go cheap. So I'm building the "Infinity king." Lacey: Ah, it's nice, for a coffin. Oscar: Look at the fine detail on the lid. When people see me lyin' in this baby, they'll say, "that guy's a craftsman." Lacey: This guy was a craftsman. Oscar: See the interior? Great lumbar support. Ooh, it's gonna be somethin'. Lacey: Yeah. But you'll be dead. Oscar: I know. I can't wait. Hank: I worked out a plan. Brent: All right, count me out. Hank: You haven't even heard it yet. Brent: See how I've learned. Hank: It's a shirt plan. Are you gonna wear the shirt tomorrow, the shirt? Brent: I don't know, I'll check my daytimer. Hank: Because I'll want to wear it tomorrow. You give me a shirt day and you get a credit. And in the future, you can use that credit and buy your own shirt day. Brent: I don't know, it sounds to me like you're one credit ahead. Hank: What do you mean? Brent: Well where did you get the credit to pay for tomorrow? Did somebody give you a free credit already? Hank: I gave it to myself. It's my plan. Brent: Well that's not fair. I want a free credit too. Hank: You can't have a free credit. Brent: I want a credit. Hank: I'm not giving you a credit. Customer: Hey, you guys are wearin' the same shirt. Brent: Yeah, we entered a log rolling competition. Customer: Oh. Good luck. Brent: Thank you. Hank: I want to wear this shirt tomorrow, Brent. Brent: Okay, fine. Hank: You'll be happy we had this conversation. Brent: Anything can happen. Emma: My god! This place is fuller than when you bought all that Y2K survival junk. Oscar: Don't laugh about the Y2K. It could still happen. Emma: How much did you spend on all this? Oscar: This doesn't cost us money, it makes us money. Emma: That's what you said that about bingo night. Oscar: Well, they cheat. Here, mark my height. I'm goin' for a custom fit. Emma: Don't worry. If it's a little tight, we'll stuff ya in. Just make sure the saw's sharp. Oscar: C'mon. Mark my height and I'll mark yours. Emma: What? Oscar: I'm doin' your coffin too. It's a "Foreverest." It's almost top of the line. Emma: I'm not having my coffin sitting in the basement. And I'm not having it fall apart like that birdhouse. Oscar: You won't be movin' around in there. Emma: I'm going upstairs. Oscar: The "Foreverest" is nothing to be ashamed of, you know? At least I'm not puttin' ya in one of those Japanese econo caskets, yet. Lacey: Hey Brent, can I put one of these in your window? Brent: Yeah, knock yourself out. Wanda, you got some tape or something? Wanda: You're not gonna let her put this up. Brent: Why not? Wanda: Well, it, it's just wrong. Why do you have quotes around the word free? Lacey: Well, I'm trying to emphasize that it's free. Wanda: Quotes aren't for emphasis. This doesn't say it's free. It says it's "free," like there's some kind of trick, the same way a hotdog isn't food, it's "food." Brent: Hotdogs are food. Wanda: Or are you quoting someone? Is "free" a quote from Mark Twain or something? Lacey: Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm sure he's used the word at some point. Brent: He said, "hey, that copy of Tom Sawyer is not free. Lacey: Yeah, or "if I had more free time, I'd trim my moustache." Wanda: I can't help it if you're starting this stupid class, but don't make fun of Mark Twain's moustache. Emma: Oscar! Oscar: Well, do you want your coffin to fit or not? Emma: Get out. Go sleep on the couch. Oscar: The "Foreverest" can be a little cheesy if it doesn't fit right. Emma: Don't come back to this bedroom. Oscar: You'll thank me when you're dead. Lacey: Hi, guys. Here is your bill. And, as my fourth and fifth customer, you also get a free pass to my Pilates class tonight. Davis Quinton: All right! Karen Pelly: How much does it normally cost? Lacey: Ah, it's free. Davis: All right! Karen: Is it? Because this says it's "free," like there's some kind of a trick. Davis: What's Pilates? Lacey: It's a method of unifying your mind and you body. Karen: I'm sorry, Lacey, I just think this is wrong. Lacey: I'm gonna take out the quotes. Karen: I wasn't talking about the quotes, although they're wrong too. Also, I don't think you're supposed to both italicize and underline a word. And you're mixing two different sans serif typefaces. Davis: I've been thinking I need to unify my mind and body. Wasn't I just saying, Karen, I need to unify my mind and body? Karen: All right. Ahem, I'll be in the car. Davis: I can have her pass, too, right? Lacey: Yes. Davis: All right! So, what's Pilates? Lacey: Okay. It's an exercise program. Pilates, the guy who started it, lived to be 90 years old and he was in amazing shape his whole life. Davis: Yeah. But he did kill Jesus. Lacey: What? Davis: Pontius Pilates. The guy in the Bible? Lacey: Oh, no. That's a different guy. Davis: Oh, gee, that's good. I don't go to church every Sunday, but that would be weird. Lacey: Yeah. Davis: Designing an exercise routine after the guy who sentenced Jesus to death wouldn't sit well with me. Lacey: Okay. Well, I'm going to have to... Emma: Well, I gotta hand it to ya. You might actually finish it in time to use it. Oscar: Ha ha! That's right. Who's laughin' now, woman? Look at that construction. That's not goin' anywhere. Boy, I can't wait till people see me in this. Emma: Neither can I. Are you coming to the bake sale or not? Oscar: No. Now get outta here. You're cuttin' into my coffin time. Emma: Don't complain about the quality of the rice krispie squares. Oscar: Then bring back some that are square. I'm tired of eatin' rectangles. Why can't people just make things square? Oh, baby. Brent: Wow! What a beautiful coffin! Emma: It's a shame it's an open casket service. The top of the lid is beautiful. Hank: What is this, an "Infinity king?" Emma: It is. Lucky stiff. Brent: I can really enjoy the funeral not thinking about how cheap the coffin is. He was right to insist on building it himself. What a craftsman! Emma: Yes, he was. I was wrong, as I was often when we argued. In fact, now that he's gone, I realize that every argument we ever had was my fault and Oscar was always right. Brent: I feel the same way, ma. I wish I'd listened more. Dad was always right. Hank: You know, you two just repeated yourselves, but that's okay, because I think that Oscar was always right about everything and you two were always wrong. I just wanted you to know that. Big Toothed Guy: I'm Sparky. He's Clark. Emma: Goodbye, Oscar. Goodbye forever. Oscar: Hey, Emma? I'll help ya pick out your rice krispie squares. Hank: What are you doin'? Brent, today is my day to wear the shirt. Brent: I'm sorry, Hank. I just forgot to do laundry. Hank: Well, I just, I totally wasted a shirt credit. Brent: I'll lend you one of mine. Hank: Look, this is easy for you. You have shirt powers. But you're forgetting, with great shirt powers comes great shirt responsibilities. You just used your shirt powers for evil, Brent. I mean look at us. We're, we're identical. Brent: We're not identical. I have different pants than you. Hank: I don't even want to get into your pants. Brent: You're not gonna with that kinda whining. Brent: Hey, Wanda, you don't think I use my shirt powers for evil, do ya? Wanda: I can't say that it's occurred to me. What's in the bag? Brent: Coffin nails. Wanda: Cigarettes? Brent: No, actual coffin nails. They're for my Dad. Wanda: Oh, the "Infinity King." How's that going? Brent: Ah, it's morbid. I just hope this thing doesn't bring him down, you know? Wanda: I don't think it's morbid. Only the man who is prepared for death can truly be alive. Brent: Who said that? Wanda: Me. I'm right here. Lacey: Welcome, everybody, to the first Dog River Pilates class. Um, for those who haven't met me, I'm Lacey Burrows. Now, this is the first class, uh, I've taught and I do get a little bit nervous speaking in front of groups. You know, I have to admit, now that I'm here, it's, it's pretty okay. Um, are there any questions? Davis: Do I get a nametag? Lacey: Hey, Paul, wine me. Paul Kinistino: Sure thing. Brent: So, how was class? Lacey: Not so good. I don't know why, but people around here seem hostile to the whole idea. Brent: You got to give people time. When Mrs. Wapiski started her macrame class, people picketed. Lacey: They picketed macrame? Brent: Said it was a waste of string. So, how many people showed up? Lacey: Well, that's the thing, nobody. Well, just Davis. Brent: Ouch. Did he like it? Lacey: You know, I think he did. Karen: He's going 120! Davis: Yep. Karen: Are you gonna pull him over? Davis: No. Karen: Why? Davis: I can't move right now. I'm just gonna sit here for a while. Lacey: Gosh, I just wish I could figure out why everybody is so down on Pilates. Brent: Well, I mean he did kill Jesus. Lacey: No, it's a different guy. Brent: Well, he gave the order. Lacey: No, Pontius is a different guy from Pilates. Ah, forget it. Brent: So what is Pilates, again? Lacey: Well, it's a way of unifying mind... Brent: I know, I know, but what is it actually? What do you do? Lacey: Oh. You sit on a mat and hold various positions. Brent: Oh. Like mat class. Lacey: Mat class? Brent: Yeah, mat class. We've had that for years. Wanda teaches mat class. She's great at mat class. Paul: I go to Wanda's mat class. Oh, she's pissed at you, starting your own rival Pilates class. "Oh, I took a class in Toronto, so I'm gonna show people how it's done." Lacey: Oh, god! Paul: Plus people find it suspicious if it's a class that's "free." Lacey: Oh. I'm gonna have to talk to Wanda. Brent: See? This is what you get for takin' chances. What did I tell you? Play it safe. Lacey: Hey! Oscar: Hey, Emma! Emma! Emma: What? Oscar: I finished a bookshelf. Emma: Well, I got to admit, that, that looks pretty good. Oscar: Damn straight. Emma: Yeah. Here we go. Oscar: Shut up. Lacey: Okay, so tell me again. karen: Okay. You can use a serif typeface or sans serif typeface. Or you can mix a serif typeface with a sans serif typeface, but you're not supposed to use a serif with another serif or combine two different sans serif typefaces. Brent: Simple. Why can't you get this? Lacey: I should just buy a typewriter. Hi, Hank. Hank: Hiya, Lacey. Karen. Brent. I see you're wearing the shirt. Brent: Well, I've been thinking, uh, I might just wear this shirt every day from now on. Hank: Fine. I might too. Brent: Good. Hank: Fine. Brent: Oh, just a head up. I'm havin' a coffee. So if you have a coffee too, we're both drinkin' the same drink and people might think we're on some kinda coffee team. Hank: Don't mock me! Pact breaker. You're not good enough to wear that shirt. Lacey: Oh come on, this is stupid. Karen: You guys actually value this shirt more than your friendship? Hank: Yeah. Brent: Absolutely. Hank: It's the best shirt I've ever owned. It's comfortable. Brent: It looks good. Hank: You can wear it tucked or untucked. Brent: Plus it's got style. Look, on most shirts the buttons on the right. On this shirt has buttons on the left. That's panache. Karen: You're right, the buttons are on the left. Hank: Oh, he knows his shirt. I'll give him that. Karen: You know what it means if a shirt has buttons on the left? Brent: It's European? Karen: No. It's a girl's shirt. You guys are wearing ladies' shirts. Lacey: Nice blouses, boys. Brent: Lookin' good, Hank. Hank: You too, buddy. Hank: So does this whole shirt fiasco mean you don't have shirt powers anymore? Brent: I still have my powers. They just work mostly on t-shirts. Buttons are like kryptonite to me. Lacey: How was I supposed to know you run a Pilates class? Wanda: Well, it's listed right in the community calendar. Lacey: Yeah, but you call it mat class. Wanda: Well, I wasn't gonna call it Pilates. Everybody would think I named it after the guy from the Bible. Lacey: The guy who killed Jesus? Wanda: Well he gave the order. But he didn't necessarily... Lacey: Well what night is it? Can I sign up? Wanda: We're full. Lacey: Are you full or are you "full?" Wanda: Full! Category:Transcripts